Grief Resources During Covid 19
Articles:
Below are various articles written with helpful information during these difficult times.
Click on your preferred article below:
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Grieving During Self Isolation
How to Talk to Children
About the Coronavirus Pandemic
About the Coronavirus Pandemic
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
As the coronavirus spreads across North America and our daily lives are transformed, we all must be aware of the need for good mental-health care. Obviously, it’s a stressful time. Families are confined to their homes. School is canceled. Many businesses are closed. Workers are being laid off en masse, causing financial distress. And then there is the illness itself, COVID-19. Will we or someone we love become critically ill or even die? We are all naturally worried about the “what ifs” and “what nexts.”
The youngest among us are not immune to all of this stress. They sense it in the adults around them, and they see it on social media and other sources of information. Their own day-to-day routines have been completely disrupted.
When it comes to painful, complex realities, it can be difficult to know how much we should share with children. Many people have an instinct to protect kids. But as someone who has worked with and advocated for grieving children for many decades, I’ve learned that what they really need is honesty combined with steadfast care.
Here are a few foundational dos and don’ts.
Follow the child’s lead
Pay attention to what the child seems curious or worried about. For younger children, these concerns may manifest through their play rather than directly. You don’t need to volunteer a lot of information. Instead, invite them to ask questions. And try saying just a little at a time. Children are often satisfied with short answers and small “doses” of information. When they want to know more, they’ll let you know, especially if you are someone who is always straight with them.
Pay attention to what the child seems curious or worried about. For younger children, these concerns may manifest through their play rather than directly. You don’t need to volunteer a lot of information. Instead, invite them to ask questions. And try saying just a little at a time. Children are often satisfied with short answers and small “doses” of information. When they want to know more, they’ll let you know, especially if you are someone who is always straight with them.
Talk openly and honestly to children about what is happening
It’s important to be honest with children about difficult circumstances. In fact, I often say that children can cope with what they know, but they can’t cope with what they don’t know. Be factual. Talk to them about social distancing and that it’s necessary to keep people safe. Explain to them that it’s mostly elderly people who are at risk of getting really sick or dying. If finances are an issue, it’s good to talk to them about that too. If someone in your family has been affected by the virus, keep the child updated. And if your family finances are being stressed, as they are for so many people right now, try not to overburden your children with this challenge. It’s OK to let them know about the need to curtail unnecessary spending, for example, but also keep in mind that financial issues are grown-up issues. We must be careful not to make children over-worry about this or feel responsible.
It’s important to be honest with children about difficult circumstances. In fact, I often say that children can cope with what they know, but they can’t cope with what they don’t know. Be factual. Talk to them about social distancing and that it’s necessary to keep people safe. Explain to them that it’s mostly elderly people who are at risk of getting really sick or dying. If finances are an issue, it’s good to talk to them about that too. If someone in your family has been affected by the virus, keep the child updated. And if your family finances are being stressed, as they are for so many people right now, try not to overburden your children with this challenge. It’s OK to let them know about the need to curtail unnecessary spending, for example, but also keep in mind that financial issues are grown-up issues. We must be careful not to make children over-worry about this or feel responsible.
Use developmentally appropriate language
Use simple, concrete language when you talk to children about the pandemic. It’s OK to use the words “coronavirus” and “pandemic,” because children are hearing those terms, but you will need to explain them in ways that they will understand.
Share your feelings
As I said, we are all naturally worried about and disoriented over the pandemic. Circumstances are changing rapidly from day to day, and the future is unknown. Children who spend time with you will pick up on your anxiety, so it’s essential to tell them what you’re worried about. If you don’t, they are likely to imagine even worse scenarios–or think that they are somehow to blame or at risk. And it’s also important that you practice good self-care to manage any severe anxiety you yourself may be having. If your anxiety levels are too high, theirs will be, too.
Understand magical thinking
Young children are susceptible to what’s called “magical thinking.” They may believe that their thoughts and behaviors can cause bad things to happen. If they didn’t want to talk to Grandma the last time they saw her, for example, and she gets sick, they may secretly believe they caused or contributed to her sickness. So be attuned to any feelings of guilt or shame the children in your care may be hiding, and explain clearly to them that none of this is their fault.
Be patient, kind, and reassuring
Most of all what children need is reassurance that they are being cared for and that their family and others they care about are safe.
Routines help children feel safe, so if their daily routine has been turned upside-down, it’s important to create a new routine. Even if you’re stuck at home, you can still have breakfast together at a certain time and follow a daily schedule. Keeping evening rituals consistent is also essential. And while all of this is going on, try extra hard to be patient and kind. I know it’s extremely challenging to manage children patiently when school and activities are not there to help share the “it takes a village” burden, but keep in mind that your children will likely have strong memories of this strange interlude in their lives, as will you. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be caring, consistent, and honest.
It’s also important to emphasize to children that lots and lots of grown-up doctors, scientists, and government workers across the world are working to solve the problem. It is our responsibility, not children’s. We are working hard on treatments and vaccines as well as ways to help families who need help. We will get through this.
And I hope you will take advantage of any extra time you have during the quarantine to use for cuddles, hugs, and play. Physical closeness and care go a long way in helping children feel safe and loved.
Use simple, concrete language when you talk to children about the pandemic. It’s OK to use the words “coronavirus” and “pandemic,” because children are hearing those terms, but you will need to explain them in ways that they will understand.
Share your feelings
As I said, we are all naturally worried about and disoriented over the pandemic. Circumstances are changing rapidly from day to day, and the future is unknown. Children who spend time with you will pick up on your anxiety, so it’s essential to tell them what you’re worried about. If you don’t, they are likely to imagine even worse scenarios–or think that they are somehow to blame or at risk. And it’s also important that you practice good self-care to manage any severe anxiety you yourself may be having. If your anxiety levels are too high, theirs will be, too.
Understand magical thinking
Young children are susceptible to what’s called “magical thinking.” They may believe that their thoughts and behaviors can cause bad things to happen. If they didn’t want to talk to Grandma the last time they saw her, for example, and she gets sick, they may secretly believe they caused or contributed to her sickness. So be attuned to any feelings of guilt or shame the children in your care may be hiding, and explain clearly to them that none of this is their fault.
Be patient, kind, and reassuring
Most of all what children need is reassurance that they are being cared for and that their family and others they care about are safe.
Routines help children feel safe, so if their daily routine has been turned upside-down, it’s important to create a new routine. Even if you’re stuck at home, you can still have breakfast together at a certain time and follow a daily schedule. Keeping evening rituals consistent is also essential. And while all of this is going on, try extra hard to be patient and kind. I know it’s extremely challenging to manage children patiently when school and activities are not there to help share the “it takes a village” burden, but keep in mind that your children will likely have strong memories of this strange interlude in their lives, as will you. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be caring, consistent, and honest.
It’s also important to emphasize to children that lots and lots of grown-up doctors, scientists, and government workers across the world are working to solve the problem. It is our responsibility, not children’s. We are working hard on treatments and vaccines as well as ways to help families who need help. We will get through this.
And I hope you will take advantage of any extra time you have during the quarantine to use for cuddles, hugs, and play. Physical closeness and care go a long way in helping children feel safe and loved.
About the Author
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Among his many bestselling books are Healing A Child’s Grieving Heart and Finding the Words: How to Talk with Children and Teens about Death, Suicide, Homicide, Funerals, and Other End-of-Life Matters. To order Dr. Wolfelt’s books and for more information, visit www.centerforloss.com.
This Pandemic of Grief
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
The coronavirus is not only causing a viral pandemic—it is giving rise to a pandemic of grief. As I write this, in mid-March, we as a global community are suffering so many losses that I hardly know where to begin.
Death and grief go hand-in-hand, of course. Thousands of people have already died of COVID-19 worldwide. Many more are dying right now. These are terrible losses for the loved ones of these precious individuals, and they will need our support and empathy in the months to come.
Yet what strikes me at this moment is that this aggressive new virus is threatening every single person on Earth with myriad losses of every kind. Name something you care about or that gives your life meaning. In all likelihood, this attachment is now negatively affected or threatened in some way by the coronavirus.
Social distancing is forcing us to be apart from friends and family for weeks and possibly months. Personal events have been postponed or called off, so we are unable to gather for life’s most meaningful celebrations and rituals, from baptisms and birthdays to weddings, anniversary parties, and funerals. Public activities and experiences that brought us together have also been cancelled. Workplaces are shuttering or moving to work-from-home. Restaurants, museums, and theaters are closing. Sporting events have been shut down. Town squares stand empty.
While thanks to technology we can still stay in constant contact with one another remotely—something that wasn’t possible during past prolonged international crises, such as the 1918 flu pandemic—we are learning the limitations of digital love and care.
What is grief?
As human beings, whenever our attachments are threatened, harmed, or severed, we naturally grieve. Grief is everything we think and feel inside of us when this happens. We experience shock and disbelief. We worry, which is a form of fear. We become sad and possibly lonely. We get angry. We feel guilty or regretful. The sum total of all these and any other thoughts and feelings we are experiencing as a result of the coronavirus pandemic is our grief.
Our pandemic grief will change from day to day and week to week. This virus is fast. As it sweeps across continents and we collectively take action to “flatten the curve,” new rules and limitations are popping up every day. Restrictions are mounting and growing increasingly severe. As circumstances grow more dire, our grief will change. And as with the virus itself, it will likely get worse before it gets better.
How to help yourself and others: emotionally, socially, and spiritually
There are a couple of important things to understand about your pandemic grief.
First, it is normal and natural. It is simply a part of your love and attachment.
And second, grief responds to awareness, attention, and expression.
You will feel better if you mourn. Mourning is being aware of your grief, giving it the attention it needs and deserves, and expressing it outside of yourself.
We have all heard a lot about how to take care of ourselves physically with this virus, but I have seen little about emotional, social, and spiritual health. During this time of great grief, mourning is the key to these pillars of self-care.
When we are feeling the emotional pain of our coronavirus grief, we can tune into it and allow it to teach us what we are really worried, sad, angry, etc. about. And then we can express it. We can talk to others about it, in our household, on the phone, or online. We can write about it in a journal. We can listen to music or watch movies that help us access, understand, and share our feelings. Mourning our grief in these ways helps soften it and gives us the emergency emotional release and sustenance we need to survive.
Socially, we can’t congregate in person right now. Did you know that the word “congregate” comes from the Latin roots com, meaning together, and gregare, meaning to gather in a flock? But we can continue to make efforts to reach out to the people we care about. Video calls are probably the best substitute for face-to-face conversations. Voice calls come second. After that, emails, texting, and social media work too. And don’t forget the power of the handwritten letter! The point is to stay connected as much as possible AND to be open and honest in those communications about whatever it is you are feeling or struggling with at the moment. Your candor will encourage others to be honest as well, creating the opportunity for mutual support and kindness.
And when it comes to spiritual health, now is an especially resonant time to work on caring for your soul. One redeeming factor of enforced isolation is that it creates the opportunity for spiritual contemplation and practice. In times of loss, we almost always wonder why things happen as they do. We naturally question the meaning of life in general and the meaning of our own life in particular. We turn our attention to our deepest beliefs and values. We talk to God or wonder about God or get angry at God.
If you’ve been struggling with beliefs, values, meaning, and life goals during the pandemic, you’re experiencing the spiritual aspect of grief. And the best way to care for your spirit right now is to be intentional about giving it time and attention. I recommend spending at least 15 minutes each day on spiritual practices. Whatever helps you get in touch with your divine spark—do that. For some people that might be meditation or prayer. For others it can be reading a spiritual text, speaking affirmations, attending a religious or spiritual service online, doing yoga, writing in a journal, or spending time observing nature or walking outdoors.
Simply being aware of your emotional, social, and spiritual health every day and being deliberate about self-care in those areas will help you and others today as well as in the weeks to come. There is no doubt that this is a challenging moment to be alive, but it is also a moment in which our collective resources have never been greater and more capable. So let’s be open, honest, and kind—to ourselves and to each other.
Suggestions for special circumstances
Loneliness — The longer we are isolated in our homes, the lonelier we are likely to become. Humans are social creatures. We are built for touch and body language and conversation. With the rise of technology and its modern-day substitution for personal contact, we were already suffering from a loneliness epidemic. But the coronavirus social-distancing efforts are making it (and will continue to make it) worse. My best suggestion here is to reach out proactively to others in all the ways that you can right now, as often as you can, for their benefit as well as yours. If you or someone you know is at particular risk for loneliness right now, ask for assistance. Find friends, family members, and neighbors who are willing to create a support team. Most people are happy to help but need suggestions about how.
Isolated seniors — On a related note, many seniors are particularly isolated right now. As you know, older people are at much higher risk for serious illness and death from the coronavirus and are having to self-isolate the most strictly. If you are an isolated senior reading this, the loneliness self-care tips I offered above apply to you. If you would like to help an isolated senior, brainstorm with others about the ways in which you can still provide safe comfort and support. For example, deliveries of food, books, and personal notes might help. Touching base by phone once or twice a day could make a world of difference. Be creative and practical in your efforts, and most of all, offer frequent and consistent contact.
Another special circumstance that applies here concerns seniors being cared for in long-term care facilities that have instituted no-visitors policies during the pandemic. Such policies are absolutely necessary right now, but they are also separating loved ones. And I have already heard of a number of cases in which an elderly resident is actively dying but their family is not allowed to be by their side as they die. This is a great heartbreak indeed, and I can offer no equal substitute for physical proximity at this pivotal moment in a family’s life. But I would encourage families to do whatever they can to convey their love. For example, it’s possible to write a letter to the person who is dying and ask a care attendant to read it aloud to them. Making a video recording of yourself, as if you were talking directly to the dying person, is another idea. Asking that special music be played and special memorabilia or flowers be placed in the room is a third idea.
Far-flung families — Many family members are separated from one another at the moment. Some live far apart but wish they could be closer together at this time of need and grief. But travel may not be possible, and for elderly or at-risk family members, physical proximity may be inadvisable anyway. Again, I would suggest being in touch as much as possible, as often as possible, in any way you can. If you are feeling concern or love for someone who is far away, call them and tell them so. Send them a text. Write them an email. Send a heartfelt greeting card with a personal letter. Your grief over a possible threat to their wellbeing, yours, or both is tugging at you, so give it voice. They will feel loved and supported, and you will feel relieved and loved as well.
Cancelled events — In many ways, special events are the moments in which we most profoundly feel the love we share with our closest others as well as the meaning of life itself. We dream of and plan for significant expected events such as graduations, retirements, and family vacations. And when unexpected significant events arise, such as serious injuries, deaths, and funerals, we drop everything to be there. But we are living in a moment in time in which most such events are being cancelled in an effort to protect the health of the greater community and the most vulnerable among us. Naturally we are bereft over the loss of these rare opportunities to gather with loved ones and immerse ourselves in that which is most meaningful in our lives.
Whenever possible, I would advocate for such events being postponed rather than cancelled. If the graduation or retirement date comes and goes, maybe the celebration can still be held later on. If a public funeral can’t take place shortly after the death, maybe a memorial service can be scheduled some weeks or months from now. Untimely gatherings are not ideal, of course, but they are much better than no gathering at all. Virtual events may also be a good idea. Baby showers and christenings broadcast live online might be an option, for example.
But most of all, what I hope you will do when an upcoming event is cancelled is pay attention to your feelings about the cancellation and then communicate those feelings to the people who form the centerpiece of the event. If a wedding is cancelled, for instance, write heartfelt notes to the bride and groom and any other family members you are close to telling them why you were looking forward to the event, what it means to you, and what your hopes and dreams are for them in the months to come. They will find great comfort and meaning in your words.
Serious illness and death — If it hasn’t already for you, the moment will likely come during this pandemic when someone you care about—maybe not someone in your closest circle but a friend or neighbor—becomes seriously ill and perhaps even dies. I am certainly not trying to borrow trouble, but I also understand that, numerically, you and I may both find ourselves in this unfortunate circumstance at some point in the coming year. Such is the nature of COVID-19. And to complicate matters, it may happen at a time when we are still quarantined to our own homes, and public ceremonies are still forbidden.
Virtually all of us are grieving this possibility right now. If you have read this whole article, you know that I am an advocate for being open and honest about our inner grief. If in the coming days your grief includes this worry, please talk about it with other people, on the phone, online, and on social media. And if such a reality comes to pass for you, I hope you will remember that your grief is normal and necessary, and it needs and deserves expression.
Here in the American interior west, it feels strange to be rolling onto the onramp of a viral pandemic. We know the route we are heading down, but we don’t know exactly how bad it’s going to be or how our local communities—or we personally—will be affected along the way. Because of this uncertainty, our grief is in part anticipatory at this point. While we are already grieving very real closures, cancellations, and limitations, we are also, normally and naturally, anticipating the unknown griefs to come. They are also part of our love.
I hope that we will emerge from this viral and grief pandemic a more conscious, cohesive, and caring world community. May it shape and transform us into better versions of ourselves.
Loneliness — The longer we are isolated in our homes, the lonelier we are likely to become. Humans are social creatures. We are built for touch and body language and conversation. With the rise of technology and its modern-day substitution for personal contact, we were already suffering from a loneliness epidemic. But the coronavirus social-distancing efforts are making it (and will continue to make it) worse. My best suggestion here is to reach out proactively to others in all the ways that you can right now, as often as you can, for their benefit as well as yours. If you or someone you know is at particular risk for loneliness right now, ask for assistance. Find friends, family members, and neighbors who are willing to create a support team. Most people are happy to help but need suggestions about how.
Isolated seniors — On a related note, many seniors are particularly isolated right now. As you know, older people are at much higher risk for serious illness and death from the coronavirus and are having to self-isolate the most strictly. If you are an isolated senior reading this, the loneliness self-care tips I offered above apply to you. If you would like to help an isolated senior, brainstorm with others about the ways in which you can still provide safe comfort and support. For example, deliveries of food, books, and personal notes might help. Touching base by phone once or twice a day could make a world of difference. Be creative and practical in your efforts, and most of all, offer frequent and consistent contact.
Another special circumstance that applies here concerns seniors being cared for in long-term care facilities that have instituted no-visitors policies during the pandemic. Such policies are absolutely necessary right now, but they are also separating loved ones. And I have already heard of a number of cases in which an elderly resident is actively dying but their family is not allowed to be by their side as they die. This is a great heartbreak indeed, and I can offer no equal substitute for physical proximity at this pivotal moment in a family’s life. But I would encourage families to do whatever they can to convey their love. For example, it’s possible to write a letter to the person who is dying and ask a care attendant to read it aloud to them. Making a video recording of yourself, as if you were talking directly to the dying person, is another idea. Asking that special music be played and special memorabilia or flowers be placed in the room is a third idea.
Far-flung families — Many family members are separated from one another at the moment. Some live far apart but wish they could be closer together at this time of need and grief. But travel may not be possible, and for elderly or at-risk family members, physical proximity may be inadvisable anyway. Again, I would suggest being in touch as much as possible, as often as possible, in any way you can. If you are feeling concern or love for someone who is far away, call them and tell them so. Send them a text. Write them an email. Send a heartfelt greeting card with a personal letter. Your grief over a possible threat to their wellbeing, yours, or both is tugging at you, so give it voice. They will feel loved and supported, and you will feel relieved and loved as well.
Cancelled events — In many ways, special events are the moments in which we most profoundly feel the love we share with our closest others as well as the meaning of life itself. We dream of and plan for significant expected events such as graduations, retirements, and family vacations. And when unexpected significant events arise, such as serious injuries, deaths, and funerals, we drop everything to be there. But we are living in a moment in time in which most such events are being cancelled in an effort to protect the health of the greater community and the most vulnerable among us. Naturally we are bereft over the loss of these rare opportunities to gather with loved ones and immerse ourselves in that which is most meaningful in our lives.
Whenever possible, I would advocate for such events being postponed rather than cancelled. If the graduation or retirement date comes and goes, maybe the celebration can still be held later on. If a public funeral can’t take place shortly after the death, maybe a memorial service can be scheduled some weeks or months from now. Untimely gatherings are not ideal, of course, but they are much better than no gathering at all. Virtual events may also be a good idea. Baby showers and christenings broadcast live online might be an option, for example.
But most of all, what I hope you will do when an upcoming event is cancelled is pay attention to your feelings about the cancellation and then communicate those feelings to the people who form the centerpiece of the event. If a wedding is cancelled, for instance, write heartfelt notes to the bride and groom and any other family members you are close to telling them why you were looking forward to the event, what it means to you, and what your hopes and dreams are for them in the months to come. They will find great comfort and meaning in your words.
Serious illness and death — If it hasn’t already for you, the moment will likely come during this pandemic when someone you care about—maybe not someone in your closest circle but a friend or neighbor—becomes seriously ill and perhaps even dies. I am certainly not trying to borrow trouble, but I also understand that, numerically, you and I may both find ourselves in this unfortunate circumstance at some point in the coming year. Such is the nature of COVID-19. And to complicate matters, it may happen at a time when we are still quarantined to our own homes, and public ceremonies are still forbidden.
Virtually all of us are grieving this possibility right now. If you have read this whole article, you know that I am an advocate for being open and honest about our inner grief. If in the coming days your grief includes this worry, please talk about it with other people, on the phone, online, and on social media. And if such a reality comes to pass for you, I hope you will remember that your grief is normal and necessary, and it needs and deserves expression.
Here in the American interior west, it feels strange to be rolling onto the onramp of a viral pandemic. We know the route we are heading down, but we don’t know exactly how bad it’s going to be or how our local communities—or we personally—will be affected along the way. Because of this uncertainty, our grief is in part anticipatory at this point. While we are already grieving very real closures, cancellations, and limitations, we are also, normally and naturally, anticipating the unknown griefs to come. They are also part of our love.
I hope that we will emerge from this viral and grief pandemic a more conscious, cohesive, and caring world community. May it shape and transform us into better versions of ourselves.
About the Author
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Among his many bestselling books are Healing A Child’s Grieving Heart and Finding the Words: How to Talk with Children and Teens about Death, Suicide, Homicide, Funerals, and Other End-of-Life Matters. To order Dr. Wolfelt’s books and for more information, visit www.centerforloss.com.
Attending a Funeral
Information provided by Frazer Consultants
If you’ve been invited to attend a funeral, you may have some questions about whether it is safe to do so. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you are considering attending a funeral:
- If you’ve been invited to attend a funeral, you may have some questions about whether it is safe to do so. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you are considering attending a funeral:
- You have the option of politely declining to attend. Contact the family by phone or email to advise them of your decision. They’ll appreciate hearing from you and knowing you would be there if you could. When you call or write, share a memory of their loved one. In addition, see our list of ways you can support loved ones when you’re unable to express your condolences in person.
- If you are not feeling well, do not attend.
- Practice social distancing while at the funeral, even if you feel well. While you may want to express condolences by hugging family members and friends, social distancing recommendations apply, even at funerals. Politely explain that while it’s not possible for you to offer a hug at this time, you’d love to connect at a later date to do so. Instead, offer a fond memory of the individual who has died.
- Some funeral homes may be regulating the number of people allowed into the funeral home at any one time, depending on current guidelines. If you’re asked to wait outside or in your car, be patient. Funeral home staff are doing their best to ensure everyone has the opportunity to pay their respects.
Nurturing Hope in Difficult Times
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.” — Pliny the Elder
The caller to the Center for Loss asked a question that is on the hearts of many right now: “Are we going to get through this?”
It became obvious as the conversation continued that she was experiencing feelings of grief and in search of borrowing some much-needed hope. As I hung up the phone after 20 minutes, I found myself yearning to write about hope, because, especially during difficult times like these, it is indeed the pillar that holds up the world.
As director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, I advocate for our human need to acknowledge and embrace our darker emotions. Our culture usually isn’t so good at honoring loss and supporting others who are grieving, even though they are essential parts of our lives. Instead, to our detriment, we tend to focus almost exclusively on the happy and the distracting and the fun.
It’s a question of balance. We need both, you see. We need to honor the light and the dark, the happy and the sad—and everything in between—because all of it belongs. All of it is authentic. And whatever is authentic is normal and necessary.
Usually we’re out of balance because we choose to shine our awareness only on the “good stuff.” But right now, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, we’re at risk for the balance tipping too far the other way, in the direction of fear and despair.
Yes, in difficult times, we must remember to hope.
What is hope? It’s an expectation of a good that is yet to be. It is an inner knowing that the future holds positive things. It is trust that no matter the current circumstances, the days to come will reveal happiness. It’s forward-looking—yet experienced in the now.
Like mourning, nurturing hope is active. It’s something we can do. Let’s look at what we can do to embrace hope even as we are experiencing the many losses caused by this pandemic.
Practice mindfulness
As I write this, most of us in North America are sheltering in place. Though our normal lives have been completely disrupted and we may be experiencing very real personal losses (sick friends and family members, financial jeopardy, lost connections with loved ones, to name just a few), many of us are also, in this moment, safe and comfortable.
Practicing mindfulness means learning to be present to our immediate surroundings right now. As I write this, the sun peeks out from billowy clouds in a denim-blue sky. I see spring crocuses blooming. My dogs sleep at my feet. Whenever I am mindful of the present moment, I find gratitude, and gratitude helps me access hope, which we might think of as gratitude for what is to come.
Being mindful in the now also helps me build relationships with the people I care about. In the now I can share quality time with my wife, and even though I can’t visit them in person, I can also spend time each day on video calls with my children and friends. The more I can use this time to strengthen relationships with my dear ones, the more hope I will have for the future gatherings we will share.
Relinquish the illusion of control
There’s a fine line between a) informing ourselves about the pandemic and steps we can take to keep ourselves and others safe, and b) overconsuming information (and misinformation), causing undue stress and even despair.
In this information age, we have limitless content at our fingertips. We could read, watch, and listen to new information about COVID-19 for many hours a day and still never be “caught up.” It makes sense that we might be tempted to overconsume information in an effort to feel in control of what is happening. The trouble is, we as individuals can’t control this epidemic, and we can’t even fully control what happens to us and our loved ones.
Relinquishing the illusion of control can lessen our anxiety and help us to build trust in our own capacity to cope with whatever happens. If we work on mindfulness, we don’t have to obsess and worry. Instead, we can learn to be OK with our lack of control and trust in our own resilience. When tomorrow comes, we will handle what comes tomorrow. Today we are only responsible for today.
Build hope
If we believe that our futures will include moments of joy, love, and meaning, we already have within us that spark of hope. We can grow that spark into a flame by intentionally building hope into each day.
How do we build hope during difficult times? Here are a few ways:
Consciously Choose Hope
Please understand that hope is not something that will just passively float into your life. Instead, hope will enter when you create ways to consciously bring it into your day. Despite these challenging times, the door you open to hope each and every day will dramatically influence the quality of your life.
Consciously choosing hope means deliberately focusing on it—paying attention to it, inviting it into a given moment, and letting yourself feel it as it enters. Be creative with how you give attention to hope and invite it in. Moment by moment, choose hope over fear. Choose hope instead of despair. If you start feeling hopeless, act with intention to bring hope to that moment.
If hope feels out of reach right now, consider borrowing a little to get you through. When you cannot muster the energy to cultivate it yourself, it’s possible to receive hope from others. It’s appropriate in times like these to turn to people who have hope to lend.
How do you know someone is hope-filled? Look for friends and family members who have a hopeful outlook on life. They are people who have a positive energy when they are in your presence, and they make you smile when you simply hear their voice. They are also usually caring, nonjudgmental listeners. The energy they radiate can anchor you right now. Remember—hope is a renewable resource. Borrow it now, and know that in the future, when the time is right, you can pay it forward to someone else in need.
In the words of Victor Frankl, I remind you, “Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” As you choose your own way during these challenging times, I invite you to nurture hope and to be grateful for your life each and every day.
About the author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including The Mourner’s Book of Hope. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.
“Hope is the pillar that holds up the world.” — Pliny the Elder
The caller to the Center for Loss asked a question that is on the hearts of many right now: “Are we going to get through this?”
It became obvious as the conversation continued that she was experiencing feelings of grief and in search of borrowing some much-needed hope. As I hung up the phone after 20 minutes, I found myself yearning to write about hope, because, especially during difficult times like these, it is indeed the pillar that holds up the world.
As director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, I advocate for our human need to acknowledge and embrace our darker emotions. Our culture usually isn’t so good at honoring loss and supporting others who are grieving, even though they are essential parts of our lives. Instead, to our detriment, we tend to focus almost exclusively on the happy and the distracting and the fun.
It’s a question of balance. We need both, you see. We need to honor the light and the dark, the happy and the sad—and everything in between—because all of it belongs. All of it is authentic. And whatever is authentic is normal and necessary.
Usually we’re out of balance because we choose to shine our awareness only on the “good stuff.” But right now, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, we’re at risk for the balance tipping too far the other way, in the direction of fear and despair.
Yes, in difficult times, we must remember to hope.
What is hope? It’s an expectation of a good that is yet to be. It is an inner knowing that the future holds positive things. It is trust that no matter the current circumstances, the days to come will reveal happiness. It’s forward-looking—yet experienced in the now.
Like mourning, nurturing hope is active. It’s something we can do. Let’s look at what we can do to embrace hope even as we are experiencing the many losses caused by this pandemic.
Practice mindfulness
As I write this, most of us in North America are sheltering in place. Though our normal lives have been completely disrupted and we may be experiencing very real personal losses (sick friends and family members, financial jeopardy, lost connections with loved ones, to name just a few), many of us are also, in this moment, safe and comfortable.
Practicing mindfulness means learning to be present to our immediate surroundings right now. As I write this, the sun peeks out from billowy clouds in a denim-blue sky. I see spring crocuses blooming. My dogs sleep at my feet. Whenever I am mindful of the present moment, I find gratitude, and gratitude helps me access hope, which we might think of as gratitude for what is to come.
Being mindful in the now also helps me build relationships with the people I care about. In the now I can share quality time with my wife, and even though I can’t visit them in person, I can also spend time each day on video calls with my children and friends. The more I can use this time to strengthen relationships with my dear ones, the more hope I will have for the future gatherings we will share.
Relinquish the illusion of control
There’s a fine line between a) informing ourselves about the pandemic and steps we can take to keep ourselves and others safe, and b) overconsuming information (and misinformation), causing undue stress and even despair.
In this information age, we have limitless content at our fingertips. We could read, watch, and listen to new information about COVID-19 for many hours a day and still never be “caught up.” It makes sense that we might be tempted to overconsume information in an effort to feel in control of what is happening. The trouble is, we as individuals can’t control this epidemic, and we can’t even fully control what happens to us and our loved ones.
Relinquishing the illusion of control can lessen our anxiety and help us to build trust in our own capacity to cope with whatever happens. If we work on mindfulness, we don’t have to obsess and worry. Instead, we can learn to be OK with our lack of control and trust in our own resilience. When tomorrow comes, we will handle what comes tomorrow. Today we are only responsible for today.
Build hope
If we believe that our futures will include moments of joy, love, and meaning, we already have within us that spark of hope. We can grow that spark into a flame by intentionally building hope into each day.
How do we build hope during difficult times? Here are a few ways:
- By taking part in activities we care about to the extent that we can while sheltering in place
- By engaging in spiritual practices
- By making a collage of words or pictures that symbolize hope in our mind and heart
- By intentionally imagining the futures we desire
- By making future plans that excite us and that we know we will enjoy
- By helping others
- By staying in close contact with the people we care about, ideally through video and phone calls
- By taking care of our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our social connections, and our souls
Consciously Choose Hope
Please understand that hope is not something that will just passively float into your life. Instead, hope will enter when you create ways to consciously bring it into your day. Despite these challenging times, the door you open to hope each and every day will dramatically influence the quality of your life.
Consciously choosing hope means deliberately focusing on it—paying attention to it, inviting it into a given moment, and letting yourself feel it as it enters. Be creative with how you give attention to hope and invite it in. Moment by moment, choose hope over fear. Choose hope instead of despair. If you start feeling hopeless, act with intention to bring hope to that moment.
If hope feels out of reach right now, consider borrowing a little to get you through. When you cannot muster the energy to cultivate it yourself, it’s possible to receive hope from others. It’s appropriate in times like these to turn to people who have hope to lend.
How do you know someone is hope-filled? Look for friends and family members who have a hopeful outlook on life. They are people who have a positive energy when they are in your presence, and they make you smile when you simply hear their voice. They are also usually caring, nonjudgmental listeners. The energy they radiate can anchor you right now. Remember—hope is a renewable resource. Borrow it now, and know that in the future, when the time is right, you can pay it forward to someone else in need.
In the words of Victor Frankl, I remind you, “Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” As you choose your own way during these challenging times, I invite you to nurture hope and to be grateful for your life each and every day.
About the author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including The Mourner’s Book of Hope. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.
The many losses during the COVID-19 pandemic
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
This too, like the experience of acute grief, will not last forever. In the meantime, try to cultivate patience and acceptance. Understand there are many things out of your control and determine what you can control. Live one day or moment at a time with hope.
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
We are facing an unparalleled time in history. We are trying to understand and cope with this change and uncertainty. Collectively, around the globe we are grieving the many losses because of this virus.
Like the grief experience after the death of a loved one, we also experience both real and symbolic losses during this time. Real losses include loss of freedom, choice, decision making, financial security and social connection with family, friends, through leisure activities, with religious communities or at the workplace. Symbolic losses are losses that are not obvious and tangible. These losses may include loss of opportunity, identity or meaning.
A normal reaction to any loss is grief: a state of deprivation that impacts the body, mind, and spirit. We are deprived of many things at present and our responses may include frustration, sadness, depression, anger, heightened feelings of loneliness, fear, anxiety, sleeping and eating disturbances or other physical reactions.
This upheaval and our feelings in response to it may not be pleasant but know that it is normal …. It’s ok not to be ok. There is a very real reason for us to feel the way we do. We must try not to resist the normalcy of our reactions; instead we must acknowledge it and give ourselves permission to feel the feelings. Then, to counterbalance these feelings, take stock of what you do still have in your life; name the things you are grateful for. This is shown to boost mood, lower stress levels, strengthen your immune system, and (still) feel connected to others.
About Chrisitine:
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Practical Tips to Help you get Through Self-Isolation
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling or at 519-995-9052.
Stress and anxiety about your health and welfare of yourself and loved ones coupled with physical distancing and isolation measures may be affecting your mental health more than you realize. Although many things are out of your control, there are things you can do to stay calm and maintain your mental health. Having a choice, even if the choices are limited or undesirable, gives you some control. Here are some practical tips for making sure you’re caring for your mental health during this challenging, but temporary time.
- Establish and follow a routine; wake up and go to sleep at the same time.
- Dress for the life you want not the self-isolation life you are leading: maintain your hygiene habits and dress in comfortable clothing to either work from home or engage in other at home activities.
- Get outside for at least 30 minutes a day by yourself or with members of your household remembering to practice physical distancing. If you’re concerned about not being able to maintain physical distancing, try going out early in the morning or going to less crowded areas.
- Stay hydrated and eat well; this is not the time to self-indulge (although you may be tempted to); you must eat well to protect your immune system.
- Connect regularly with loved ones and friends. Seek and/or offer support. After in- person contact, video chats are a good substitute, followed by phone calls, emailing or texting; organize an on-line coffee time, book club meeting, or check in with co-workers.
- Start a gratitude list. Your list may look something like this: the first signs of spring, my health and that of loved ones, health care workers, grocery store employees, first responders and other essential workers, my home, my loved ones, food on my table.
- Put together a self-care tool kit which incorporates the five senses. This will look different for everyone: comforting music, a soft blanket, a favorite pillow, a good book, a rocking chair, photo albums, candles, a weighted blanket, a heating pad, a journal, an inspirational book or podcast, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a puzzle, paint a picture, crossword puzzle, a mandala colouring book, a hot chocolate, chamomile tea or a cool drink.
- Meditate, pray, practice deep breathing, mindfulness.
- Reach out regularly to someone who is self-isolating on their own; this can be through a video chat, phone, or text; send them daily inspirational messages to let them know you are thinking of them.
- Learn a new skill you’ve never had the time for. Take an e-course.
- Adjust your expectations of yourself and others. In this extraordinary time of stress, we may not always act our best. Don’t engage in an argument; you always have a choice. Don’t hold grudges. Forgive yourself and others. Act with grace.
- Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.
- Start, continue, or finish off that project on your “to do list”.
- Engage in some form of physical activity every day: walk, run, do some yoga, stretching, tai chi, kick boxing or gentle stretching. Try a YouTube zumba, yoga or tai class.
- Reach out to your professional support system.
- Find some alone time, as need, if you are isolating with family.
- If you are working from home, allocate if you can, a defined space for work.
- Limit your exposure to the news and social media. We need to be cautious about becoming saturated with the current events. Choose a reliable news source and limit your time to 2-3 times/day.
- Find humour in each day to balance your fear and anxiety: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie.
- Follow “coronavirus kindness” stories: grocery shopping for others, people sharing their talents by singing and playing musical instruments on balconies, porches and outside nursing homes, creating thank you signs for health care workers, birthday parades for cancelled children’s parties, donations for masks, gloves and gowns….hoping kindness spreads faster.
About Chrisitine:
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling or at 519-995-9052.
How to Support a Bereaved Person during Self-Isolation
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
During this unprecedented time when events are changing so rapidly we naturally become focused on the health and safety of ourselves and family. It is wise to follow regulations and guidelines so that we do our part to ‘flatten the curve’.
However, grief after a loved one’s death cannot be paused like so many of our activities have been. There are many bereaved people who must cope and manage their ongoing grief without the personal support from others or engaging in comforting activities in the community. One of my clients, whose husband died, recently told me during a video session that she had just become comfortable accepting invitations from friends and felt that she was making some progress in her grief journey. She then emotionally added, now even that has been taken from her. It was another loss just at the time she felt she was regaining something. It was honest and insightful.
One of the many ways we can get through this difficult time is to help others. Don’t let your fears about saying the wrong thing keep you from reaching out. Connecting with a bereaved person especially one that is self-isolating alone can be gratifying for you and life affirming for them.
Here are some ways you can help:
• Make that phone call to tell them you are especially thinking of them during this time• Allow them to talk about their fears, their loved one
• Understand their grief from their perspective and normalize their experience
• Try to avoid clichés; listen if you do not know what to say
• Stay in contact with them on a regular basis: video chat, phone
• Text or email regular inspirational words
• Send them a “I’m thinking of you” card (homemade ones will work)
• Encourage them to seek or keep in contact with professional support
• Offer to pick up groceries or needed supplies if you can
• “Visit” them while practicing physical distancing
“There are two kinds of people in the world; the takers and the givers. The takers eat well but the givers sleep well”.
~Danny Thomas
About Chrisitine:
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling or at 519-995-9052.
Exploring the Natural Complications of the “WHYs” of Funerals During the Coronavirus Pandemic
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
I often say that when words are inadequate, have a ceremony. However, as you well know, right now is a challenging time to fully make use of ceremonies that help grieving families.
As I draft this article in early April 2020, the novel coronavirus has brought almost the entire world to a standstill—except grocery workers, healthcare providers and, as you well know, your profession. Funeral homes and other death-care organizations are needed now more than ever. Tragically, not only are more people dying and more dismayed at-need families in need of especially compassionate and capable care, but humankind is suffering from a pandemic of grief.
At this critical moment, you occupy a critical role. We need you to lead. You have the opportunity to use this pivotal time to educate and inspire the families you serve as well as your communities about why excellent death care and meaningful funerals are so necessary when someone loved dies. Yet at the same time, given the current restrictions, you must also be creative and persistent about finding new ways of doing funerals. It’s a challenge, to be sure—but one I believe you can meet.
The “WHYs” of the Funeral
As you know, we have funerals for many essential reasons. For thousands of years, in addition to offering a way to respectfully dispose of the body of someone we love, they have been a means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about life and death.
This triangle graphic captures the purposes of the funeral ceremony. It puts the simplest and most fundamental reasons on the bottom and works it way up to more esoteric yet significant reasons. Let’s review each “WHY,” then let’s consider how COVID-19 is interfering…and what you can do about it.
Reality
It’s hard to truly accept the finality of death, but the funeral helps us begin to do so. At first we accept it with our heads, and only over time do we come to accept it with our hearts.
Unfortunately, the pandemic is wreaking havoc with this “WHY.” Many can’t visit family members who are dying (of COVID-10 or any cause) in the hospital, distant family members can’t travel to be near, and spending time with the body has also become more complicated. It’s much harder to acknowledge the reality of the death when you never see the person who died.
You can help families with this “WHY” by encouraging them to view the body if at all possible, even if only a few people can be in the room at a time. Tele-viewings are also an option. And while it’s not typically done in recent times, this is a circumstance in which it is appropriate to take photos of the body to share with family members if they request them or you believe the photos would be helpful to them. And finally, holding an immediate service, even if it has to be held online, will also help families with this “WHY.”
Recall
Funerals help us begin to convert our relationship with the person who died from one of presence to one of memory. When we come together to share our memories, we learn things we didn’t know, and we see how the person’s life touched others.
Families aren’t able to get together right now, however, so ensuring they have other means of gathering up and sharing memories is something you can do to help with this “WHY.” In addition to offering online memorials, be creative and innovative. For example, what if the obituary suggested that the family would like to receive notes containing special memories?
Support
Funerals are social gatherings that bring together people who cared about the person who died. Funerals are in remembrance of the person who died, but they are for the living. The funeral is a special time and place to support one another in grief.
But how do people support one another when they can’t gather together? Like many of us, you’ve probably had a crash course in technology alternatives over the past month. Video meetings are so much better than no gathering at all, and you can help facilitate this. Also, encourage the family to begin to plan a larger memorial service to be held later on. This will be an essential part of helping grieving families affected by the pandemic support one another, and you can take the lead and be a part of the solution.
Expression
When we grieve but don’t mourn, our sadness can feel unbearable, and our many other emotions can fester inside of us. Mourning helps us heal, and the funeral is an essential rite of initiation for mourning. It helps us get off to a good start and sets our mourning in motion.
Because mourners can’t gather for funerals right now, they’re being deprived of a special, sacred time of expression. Funeral elements such as the presence of the body, meaningful music, and the eulogy facilitate the expression of feelings—and those elements are absent right now. Perhaps the best way for you to help families meet this need is to offer some education about the need for expressing their inner thoughts and feelings (grief) outside of themselves (mourning). In fact, I hope you are routinely educating the families you serve about all of these “WHYs” of the funeral, because that is where the true value lies.
Meaning
Did the person I love have a good life? What is life, anyway? Why do we die? There are no simple explanations, but the funeral gives us a time and a place to hold the questions in our hearts and begin to find our way to answers that give us peace.
Without a funeral ceremony, there isn’t an event that helps families embark together on this search for meaning. Instead, their grief experience tends to be more chaotic and unanchored. Many people end up feeling lost and alone. One way you can help with this “WHY” during this time is by making sure families who are so inclined are connected to a religious or spiritual leader in their communities.
Transcendence
Funerals have a way of getting us to wake up—to think about what we truly care about and how we want to spend our precious remaining days. Ultimately, funerals help us embrace the wonder of life and death and remind us of the preciousness of life.
This “WHY” of the funeral is the most esoteric, but it is ultimately the most important. A good aftercare program may the best way for your funeral home to help families work on this need over time, especially in cases when a meaningful ceremony wasn’t possible.
Perhaps the most important overall lesson you can impart to grieving families at this unprecedented time is that a funeral or memorial ceremony will transform their grief journey. It’s best to have a small service (in person, online, or a combination) right now, and a larger service when the restrictions are lifted. If even a small service right now isn’t possible, then it’s absolutely essential to have a memorial service as soon as possible. Please teach families that it’s never too late to have a ceremony, and more than one ceremony is even better in complicated loss situations.
COVID-19 has brought death and grief to the fore in ways not seen in generations. You are in the spotlight, and people are eager to listen and learn. I truly believe that now is a rare opportunity for you to educate, lead, and renew our cultural understanding of and respect for excellent funeral experiences. As Simon Sinek says, “People don’t buy WHAT you do; they buy WHY you do it.” So use this time to teach people the “WHYs”…and watch what happens.
About the author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, he presents workshops to bereaved families, funeral home staffs and other caregivers, and teaches courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as director. He provides training to cemetarians and funeral directors on the “WHY” of both meaningful funerals and permanent placement. www.centerforloss.com
Reality
It’s hard to truly accept the finality of death, but the funeral helps us begin to do so. At first we accept it with our heads, and only over time do we come to accept it with our hearts.
Unfortunately, the pandemic is wreaking havoc with this “WHY.” Many can’t visit family members who are dying (of COVID-10 or any cause) in the hospital, distant family members can’t travel to be near, and spending time with the body has also become more complicated. It’s much harder to acknowledge the reality of the death when you never see the person who died.
You can help families with this “WHY” by encouraging them to view the body if at all possible, even if only a few people can be in the room at a time. Tele-viewings are also an option. And while it’s not typically done in recent times, this is a circumstance in which it is appropriate to take photos of the body to share with family members if they request them or you believe the photos would be helpful to them. And finally, holding an immediate service, even if it has to be held online, will also help families with this “WHY.”
Recall
Funerals help us begin to convert our relationship with the person who died from one of presence to one of memory. When we come together to share our memories, we learn things we didn’t know, and we see how the person’s life touched others.
Families aren’t able to get together right now, however, so ensuring they have other means of gathering up and sharing memories is something you can do to help with this “WHY.” In addition to offering online memorials, be creative and innovative. For example, what if the obituary suggested that the family would like to receive notes containing special memories?
Support
Funerals are social gatherings that bring together people who cared about the person who died. Funerals are in remembrance of the person who died, but they are for the living. The funeral is a special time and place to support one another in grief.
But how do people support one another when they can’t gather together? Like many of us, you’ve probably had a crash course in technology alternatives over the past month. Video meetings are so much better than no gathering at all, and you can help facilitate this. Also, encourage the family to begin to plan a larger memorial service to be held later on. This will be an essential part of helping grieving families affected by the pandemic support one another, and you can take the lead and be a part of the solution.
Expression
When we grieve but don’t mourn, our sadness can feel unbearable, and our many other emotions can fester inside of us. Mourning helps us heal, and the funeral is an essential rite of initiation for mourning. It helps us get off to a good start and sets our mourning in motion.
Because mourners can’t gather for funerals right now, they’re being deprived of a special, sacred time of expression. Funeral elements such as the presence of the body, meaningful music, and the eulogy facilitate the expression of feelings—and those elements are absent right now. Perhaps the best way for you to help families meet this need is to offer some education about the need for expressing their inner thoughts and feelings (grief) outside of themselves (mourning). In fact, I hope you are routinely educating the families you serve about all of these “WHYs” of the funeral, because that is where the true value lies.
Meaning
Did the person I love have a good life? What is life, anyway? Why do we die? There are no simple explanations, but the funeral gives us a time and a place to hold the questions in our hearts and begin to find our way to answers that give us peace.
Without a funeral ceremony, there isn’t an event that helps families embark together on this search for meaning. Instead, their grief experience tends to be more chaotic and unanchored. Many people end up feeling lost and alone. One way you can help with this “WHY” during this time is by making sure families who are so inclined are connected to a religious or spiritual leader in their communities.
Transcendence
Funerals have a way of getting us to wake up—to think about what we truly care about and how we want to spend our precious remaining days. Ultimately, funerals help us embrace the wonder of life and death and remind us of the preciousness of life.
This “WHY” of the funeral is the most esoteric, but it is ultimately the most important. A good aftercare program may the best way for your funeral home to help families work on this need over time, especially in cases when a meaningful ceremony wasn’t possible.
Perhaps the most important overall lesson you can impart to grieving families at this unprecedented time is that a funeral or memorial ceremony will transform their grief journey. It’s best to have a small service (in person, online, or a combination) right now, and a larger service when the restrictions are lifted. If even a small service right now isn’t possible, then it’s absolutely essential to have a memorial service as soon as possible. Please teach families that it’s never too late to have a ceremony, and more than one ceremony is even better in complicated loss situations.
COVID-19 has brought death and grief to the fore in ways not seen in generations. You are in the spotlight, and people are eager to listen and learn. I truly believe that now is a rare opportunity for you to educate, lead, and renew our cultural understanding of and respect for excellent funeral experiences. As Simon Sinek says, “People don’t buy WHAT you do; they buy WHY you do it.” So use this time to teach people the “WHYs”…and watch what happens.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, he presents workshops to bereaved families, funeral home staffs and other caregivers, and teaches courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as director. He provides training to cemetarians and funeral directors on the “WHY” of both meaningful funerals and permanent placement. www.centerforloss.com
Easter during the COVID-19 Lockdown
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
I am certain that your holiday this past weekend was not typical. Just as the first of any significant event after the death of a loved one, gatherings are not the same. Easter was not the same in my home. I was not able to attend a religious service or gather with all my family. There was a sense of loss of tradition because of the restrictions imposed on us because of COVID-19. It felt strange and I wanted to rebel. But I knew I could not.
So, I had to acknowledge what I was giving up…. I had to grieve those losses. I may not have liked it, but I knew this was bigger than me; just as the grief of a loved one is. Battling reality is futile and wastes energy. And we run low on energy during grief. So, the wise thing is not to waste energy on things we cannot control.Instead, I focused on what was available to me and what I could control. I watched my religious service online and appreciated the effort others had undertaken to provide me with this opportunity. I had a virtual Easter meal with other family members whom I would normally be with but could not because of physical distancing. It was not the same, but I was grateful for technology.
Lastly, members of my family whom I am sheltering in place with watched the live streaming of Andrea Bocelli’s Easter concert from Milan’s Duomo Cathedral. This magnificent cathedral, the largest in Italy, was empty. The silence between the songs was deafening…. It was poignant. His concert was inspiring and reminded me of the good still in this world. The concert was raising funds for protective equipment for medical front line staff. At times during the concert, the camera showed shots of empty, well known streets in Paris, London, and New York. It was a reminder that we are not the only ones going through this grief. I felt a sense of connection to people I have not met. Andrea Bocelli was quoted as saying “On the day we celebrate the trust in a life that triumphs, I’m honored and happy to answer ‘si’”.
Let us all say ‘yes” to whatever is asked of us during this time of uncharted territory. Let us all continue to do our part, big or small, to get through this. Look for opportunities to see the good and focus on that instead. Things are not the same or as they should be right now but giving in is not an option; we know this intellectually. We must keep moving forward, one day or moment at a time and trust we will come through this together.
Andrea Bocelli: Music for Hope - Live from Duomo di Milano
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huTUOek4LgU
About Chrisitine:
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
COVID-19 and the Waves of Grief
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
Unlike the myth of the stages of grief, a current approach to the process is to view grief much like the ebb and flow of the waves of the ocean. But unlike ocean waves, there is no way to predict when the waves will hit us; those the mini or daily waves which take our breath away. Overall, however, grief tends unfold in three major waves.
‘Avoidance of Reality’ or the first wave of grief, generally describes the time immediately after a death. During this time, we are in a form of denial or psychological shock: “we know” (head level) but “we don’t know” (heart level). This period of shock or numbness has a purpose as it allows us to plan for a funeral ritual and attend to legal or time sensitive matters. As time proceeds, we believe we are “doing well” but as this first wave subsides, so does the numbness.
The second wave, ‘Encounter with Reality’, starts to descend upon us and the myth of the stages of grief are shattered because we are not “feeling better” even though time has passed; instead, we “feel worse”. The reality of the death of our loved one becomes more real. The support received from others gradually diminishes, the “busyness” during the time after the death is over, and we return to routines which triggers the absence of our loved one. This is the most difficult and painful time of grief. This is the time we may question our sanity and perhaps engage in mourning avoiding behaviours to minimize or avoid the pain.
If we can tolerate this wave by processing the pain and mourning fully, this wave will also subside and give way to the third wave of ‘Reconciliation with Reality’. In this wave, the ‘heart knows what the head always knew’; we come to realize the reality of the death and create a revised life for ourselves while finding creative and meaningful ways to remain connected to our loved one. We realize that the relationship with our loved is changed but has not ended. We can move forward with our life with an understanding that we are still lovingly connected with them. We find purpose and meaning while holding our loved one in our heart.
These waves of grief can apply to the collective grief we are experiencing because of COVID-19. We have lost the life we knew due to the virus. Perhaps we avoided the reality of the threat of this virus in our daily lives and to our and our loved ones’ health. Maybe we were ‘aware” of the threat but did not take all the precautions seriously; we waited and watched how it affected other parts of the world not believing or wanting to believe it could affect us. As time progressed, the reality of the threat of this virus became more real: physical distancing, work from/stay at home, increased good hygiene, became our reality. We tolerated this ‘new normal” with anticipation that it would end sooner than later. But it is lasting much longer than we had imaged and hoped. Are we now in the Encounter wave of COVID-19?
We may be questioning how long will this last? Can I tolerate this? Do I have a choice? What will happen if I give in? I believe we are in the “encounter” wave of COVID-19. This is the very difficult part of grief; remember, grief is the normal response when we are deprived from something or someone of value. This has gone on all too long we tell us ourselves every morning just as a grieving person does after their loved one’s death. Can I go on……?
I am not sure what the COVID-19 grief reconciliation wave will look like. Perhaps, it will mean we reconcile to what is (at least temporarily) and stop fighting it. So we take a deep breath and continue to shelter in place, physical distance while out for essential tasks, find healthy ways to cope, practice gratitude for what we do have in our lives and continue to believe in a better yet to come.
“I am learning every day to allow the space
between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me
and not terrify me”.
~Tracie Ellis Ross
About Chrisitine:
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
The Coronavirus Challenge: The Wonder of Waiting
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
The trouble is, in our fast-paced, hurry-up culture, we’re not good at waiting. Waiting for a streaming movie to buffer, waiting for the light to turn green, waiting to see how the coming months will unfold—staying calm in the midst of all this waiting does not come easily.
While we are all acutely aware of the life-or-death crisis affecting essential workers and families affected by COVID-19 right now, and our hearts and prayers are of course with them, most people are sheltering at home. In this scenario, this time of stasis for the homebound is both a luxury and a challenge.
Sadly, waiting is often perceived as wasted time, a kind of liminal space in which we are “betwixt and between.” But the truth is that if we learn to perceive and use this time mindfully, we will see that each moment of our fleeting lives is precious—and the concept of “waiting” itself is something to reconsider.
Creating a new relationship with “waiting” demands acknowledgment, desire, and practice.
Acknowledging impatience
Ask yourself if you feel impatient when you have to wait. You can do this by exploring past situations that have required waiting. How have you felt impatient waiting for food at a restaurant? What has it been like when you’ve had to wait at the doctor’s office? Has waiting in normal times been a challenge for you? If so, this period of waiting is probably even more of a challenge for you under the current COVID-19 restrictions.
Desiring to change
After you acknowledge that waiting is a challenge for you, you have the opportunity to reframe it into a positive experience. Developing a desire to bask in what I call a “quiet calm” can have a major impact on five areas that impact your quality of life— your physical, cognitive, emotional, social and spiritual selves.
Can you befriend any fear you might have related to waiting? Can you give yourself permission to do nothing, to simply BE? Obviously, being still is the opposite of needing to focus on being busy and accomplishing something. Waiting reminds you to counter any potential work addiction you might suffer from and to value yourself for being in contrast to doing.
If you do not learn to slow down and wait, you put yourself at risk for fall-out symptoms such as alcohol and drug abuse, psychosomatic symptoms, breakdown of your immune system, and, in particular, debilitating anxiety and depression.
I believe that you can learn to live these in-between days and weeks in a state of “quiet calm” while also respecting your yearning to return to your former pace, but only if you allow yourself to be humbled. Only if you don’t perceive this temporary time-out as a waste of time. Only if you see it as an opportunity to relax, have meaningful conversations, rest, and even rediscover your true priorities in life.
If you would like to develop this ability to live in the present, then you have the desire you need to move into practicing your new way of being.
Practicing quiet calm
With acknowledgment and desire as a foundation, you are ready to begin practicing the skill of living each moment in a state of mindful presence. There are many ways to work on learning how to inhabit quiet calm. Here are just a few.
- Mind the gap – Train yourself to notice the space between stimulus and response. When something happens that makes you feel impatient, before you respond with your usual thoughts or gestures of anger or annoyance, stop and choose a more mindful, quiet-calm response.
- Nurture your spirit – Use the time to give attention to your spirituality and your underlying beliefs and values. Pray, read spiritual texts, watch spiritual videos, and contemplate the eternal.
- Sit in stillness – Learn to sit in stillness and simply observe what is happening around you. Pay attention to all the amazing things you can experience with your five senses. Meditation is an alternate method of sitting in stillness. In meditation, you go inward instead of observing the outward.
- Stay connected – Reach out to other people. This strengthens the bonds of love that make life worth living.
- Love yourself – It is a gift to be alive, and you are a unique human being capable of giving and receiving love. Use moments of quiet calm to silently affirm this to yourself.
- Journal thoughts and feelings – Journaling creates a safe place of solace, a place where you can fully express yourself no matter what you are experiencing.
- Allow yourself to sigh – When you sigh, you resign yourself to something; you are accepting what is.
- Banish worry – Worry tends to find a foothold in moments of waiting. If you find yourself worrying, that means you are thinking about future “what ifs” instead of experiencing this moment.
- Engage your body – When you find yourself slipping into worry or impatient waiting, do something active. Go for a walk. Grab a broom and sweep. Putter in the garden.
- Cultivate kindness – Mindfulness and kindness go together like soil and seed. In this moment there is no baggage, which lives in the past, there is only empathy and appreciation. Expressed empathy and appreciation is kindness.
- Be generous – Use this time to practice generosity. You can give away possessions you no longer need but someone else can use, for example. You can gift someone with a book you believe may help them. “Do good things, and good things will follow” is the mantra I try to live b
- Elevate the ordinary – It doesn’t matter what you are doing. If you are doing it mindfully, you are living in the now, and you are experiencing quality time. Mindfulness makes all your day-to-day tasks more special.
- Be more intentional about little decisions – The next time you pick up your phone to mindlessly scroll, for example, or the TV remote control to mindlessly channel surf, stop and ask yourself about your intention in that moment.
- Appreciate slowness – Impatience with waiting is, in part, impatience with slowness. But the profound truth is that slower is often better. A meal prepared and eaten slowly is a sensual feast. A book read aloud is a memorable experience.
- Be childlike – Children may not be good at waiting or spending time in quiet calm, but they are masters at living in the moment. When they’re at play, they’re completely engaged. In fact, play is mindfulness in motion. So, play like a child.
- Breathe – If you find yourself anxious or impatient, pay attention to your breath. Breathe in to a count of five, and breathe out to a count of five. Do this as many times as it takes to find your sense of quiet calm returning.
- Daydream – Daydreaming, wishing, and hoping are all precursor activities. They help us imagine and clarify our best futures. Making a vision board is an in-the-now activity to capture and set your intentions to realize your dreams.
- Embrace humility – Entering a moment with humility means trying not to judge or stress, preplan or control. Subdue your ego, and instead be open and receptive to whatever the moment brings.
- Choose effectiveness over efficiency – Efficiency often means getting things done quickly but mindlessly. Effectiveness means first reflecting on why we are doing what we’re doing, then choosing the best, most mindful path.
- Heed your divine spark – I believe our spirits know why we’re here on earth. All we have to do is notice what makes our divine sparks grow stronger or weaker, then make choices about how to spend our time accordingly.
In this dormant period, many of us have extra time to spend on these quiet-calm activities. And in doing so, we will discover that the wonder of waiting is that there is no such thing as waiting—there is only ever living each moment as it arises. It turns out that the very concept of waiting is a myth constructed by the ego. In fact, with the exception of the significant reality that we may be temporarily physically separated from loved ones, this rare opportunity to practice living in the now is a taste of life at its best.
The wonder of waiting is that if we use this hiatus to practice quiet calm, when restrictions are lifted we will be equipped to return to our “old normal” as changed people. Life will never be the same, but in a good way. And imagine what this world can be if even a small percentage of the seven-and-half billion of us are transformed into more patient, mindful, kind, and humble people.
Right now, I invite you to use the next moment to call someone you care about and let them know that you love and miss them, but until you can see them again, you are putting this waiting period to the best possible use.
About the author
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is a respected author and educator on the topics of companioning others and healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books, including One Mindful Day at a Time: 365 Meditations on Living in the Now. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more.
Grief: Between No Longer and Not Yet
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
It is often said that humans are creatures of habit. Most of us would agree with the statement but what does it mean? When we repeat an action over a period of time in a particular context and gain some form of reward, that behaviour becomes automatic and a habit is formed. Those behavioural patterns we repeat the most often become etched in our neural pathways. For example, driving is done without any active, conscious thinking about the behaviour. We may drive to work, the grocery store or a loved one’s home without deliberately thinking about how to get there. This is an example of an everyday occurrence that is described as a habit; something we do repeatedly without thinking about it.
Think about your habits for a moment…..how many can you list? We truly are creatures of habit because, whether we complain about it or not, we find comfort in regularity of routine. We feel secure. It is predictable. It is known. We prefer the known. What happens when there is change? A change without prior knowledge and without our permission? Change is uncomfortable, inconvenient and many times, painful.
The many changes which occur after a loved one’s death is painful and difficult to adjust to. A widower may routinely take make two cups of coffee in the morning or bereaved parent may automatically go to wake up their child, who has recently died for school. In these examples, changing the routines are more than inconvenient, they are painful. And changing a behaviour does not happen quickly or simply by willpower.
The process of learning to live without a loved one, whether a parent, partner, child, sibling, or friend, is difficult. The habits or routines we have associated with that person does not swiftly disappear after their death. And yet society would have you believe that is the case. And to be honest, a bereaved person would prefer not to be reminded of habits and routines shared with their loved one because it can be heart wrenching. And yet, the normal and natural unfolding of grief which takes longer than we expected, is that place between what was and what is yet to be.
This is a place where no one wants to be…..it is a sort of a holding place…. a place where it feels as if life is suspended. We don’t have the life that was, and we don’t know what is to come. It is an uncomfortable and many times, painful part of the process.
Much like the process of grief immediately after the death of a loved one, we are all in a place of betwixt and between because of CVOID-19. Life as we once knew it has changed. Work has either stopped, or we are doing our work differently, leisure activities are halted, students are being educated differently, and grocery shopping is greatly altered as well. We don’t have the familiarity of our normal life and routines, and we don’t know what is yet to come. Psychologist, Joan Borysenko succinctly described this as a place “between no longer and not yet” …. this is a place of suspended living. We do not have the familiarity of our routines, are uncomfortable with our present and do not know what is yet to come. But we are forced for our health to continue to live in a place of ‘no longer and not yet” because of the many unknowns of COVID-19.
About Chrisitine:
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Meeting your Grief Needs
during the COVID-19 Pandemic
by Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW, Clinical Social Worker
Its official spring has arrived. Although winter does seem like it wants to hang on and the weather does not feel spring like. But we see evidence of the season: buds on tree branches and tender blooms emerging from the earth. Much like spring, your grief has no respect for this virus. Unlike many of our normal pre-COVID-19 activities which have been paused or greatly altered, grief, like the seasons, will continue to unfold. Your grief has no knowledge of the impact of this virus in your life; it will continue to be present. It will continue to speak to you to get your attention so that you can process it.
Normally, grief demands your attention. When the waves of grief descend upon you, the pain of your loved one’s death increases your feelings of longing and yearning. While this may seem rather cruel, ironically facing and finding ways to release that pain, is the way through this process. However, the many restrictions placed on you during this pandemic will undoubtedly impact your grief experience; it will put additional strain on meeting your grief needs or it may distract you from caring for yourself.
As we enter the 5th week of restrictions our hope that the impact of this virus would have lessened by now fades; perhaps this is going to be a marathon and not a sprint. Grief is much like this; we believe or wish it to be more of a sprint. We internalize the ‘hurry and get well’ messages’ which accompany the grief process. And when that does not materialize as we believe it should, we wonder what is wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. Perhaps what is wrong it the message we tell us ourselves that ‘the pain should have ended by now’.
Grief is a simple 5 letter word which describes the natural response after something or someone which brings meaning to our life is threatened or that attachment is severed. The mind, body and spirit responses which follow are normal and natural. Your grief will continue to “get your attention” during this pandemic; it disregards any other stressors present in your life. You may be tempted to focus on the new normal brought upon by this pandemic rather than your grief. Adjustments must be made because of this pandemic which will undoubtedly impact your grief. However, do not be tempted to ignore your grief.
There are similarities between the state of being bereaved after the death of a loved one and the grief we are experiencing because of COVID-19. We wake up every morning to a different world, wondering what the day will bring. Or perhaps we wake up to the same painful world when up is down and down is up; we feel scattered, confused, and frightened.
Social connections have been snatched from you during this time. Physical distancing is keeping you apart from your support system. How do you manage your feelings of increased isolation, confusion, fear, and longing for your loved one? During this time of extraordinary stress, it is more important to attend to the pillars of self-care during grief: physical, social, emotional, and spiritual.
When you become overwhelmed with fear, anger, sadness or worry etc., understand what you are feeling is normal. Then name and acknowledge those feelings and find ways you are comfortable with to express those feelings and emotions. It may be talking to a trusted friend, writing about it, or expressing it through tears. Music and song can also help to access feelings and process them. Do this as often and for as long as needed. This will help to reshape your grief and soften those feelings.
Socially, the bereaved are considerably disadvantaged at this time. To begin with grief is almost always an isolating experience. This is now compounded by the stay at home and physical distancing direction. Many bereaved people who had reached out for support in their grief pre-COVID-19 are feeling this additional loss; it adds another layer to your already grieving heart. But that should not stop you from continuing to receive support. It takes a little more effort, but it will be worth it. We cannot get through grief of any kind on our own; we need others for support. So, instead, reach out and or accept video or phone calls. Reply to or initiate emails or texts to others during this time. Stay connected even if it’s not in person. Share with your trusted connections how you are feeling.
While grief slows us down through fatigue and low energy so that we may absorb the reality of our new normal, it also can present itself at other times, in the form of pent up energy waiting for a release. Both forms of how grief manifests itself physically need your attention. When low on energy, respect what your body is telling you and rest. In our society which places value on doing and accomplishing, rest is sometimes seen as lazy and unproductive. But grief is stressful, and stress affects us physically. Respect your physical needs, slow down and recharge. Alternatively, it is just as important to engage in some form of physical activity to discharge stress. Physical activity, walking (preferably) outdoors, running, yoga, stretching, tai chi or zoomba will contribute to your overall physical and mental wellbeing.
Caring for yourself physically also includes paying attention to your nutritional needs. Often during the grief process, we may neglect these needs. It is more crucial during this pandemic to ensure our immunity is strong. Make healthy food choices (while indulging occasionally as a treat), drink water, refrain from fatty, processed foods or foods high in salt and sugar, take your vitamins and monitor your intake of alcohol or other mood-altering substances.
During this extraordinary time, you will have to be creative to get your grief needs met. Use this “slow down” time during the pandemic to continue to honour your physical, emotional, and spiritual grief needs.
And the people stayed home. And read books, and
listened, and rested, and exercised, and made
art, and played games, and learned new ways of
being, and were still. And listened more deeply.
Some meditated, some prayed, some danced.
Some met their shadows.
And the people began to think differently. And
the people healed. And in the absence of people
living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and
heartless ways, the earth began to heal.
And when the danger passed, and the people
joined together again, they grieved their losses,
and made new choices, and dreamed new images
and created new ways to live and heal the earth
fully, as they had been healed.
~Yuval Harari
About Chrisitine:
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Christine MacMillan, MSW, RSW is a clinical social worker, therapist, and owner of MacMillan Counselling and Consulting, Windsor. She provides counselling in the areas of bereavement, grief/loss, depression, anxiety, adjustment to injury or illness and trauma. Christine is a frequent speaker in the community on grief and loss and is the presenter for Grieving Hearts program. She continues to offer support during this period of isolation through video, phone or email.
Christine can be reached through her website, macmillancounselling.ca, by email at christine@macmillancounselling.ca or at 519-995-9052.
Ten Freedoms for Using Ceremony
During the COVID-19 Pandemic
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
I am sorry you have been so deeply affected by this hardship.
As a grief counselor and educator, I know that ceremony helps mourners through the early days and weeks of their grief and can also support their healing in the months and years to come. Funerals are for the living. When funerals are personalized and rich in elements that are meaningful to friends and family, they help mourners set off on a healthy mourning path.
But if you couldn’t have an immediate funeral because of the pandemic, or if the ceremony you were able to have felt incomplete or unsatisfactory, I want you to know that you can still use ceremony to help you and others who are mourning this death. I hope these ten freedoms provide you with affirmation and ideas.
1. You have the freedom to embrace ceremony.
The funeral does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It also helps provide you with the support of caring people. It is a way for you and others who loved the person who died to say, “We mourn this death, and we need each other during this painful time.” If others tell you that funerals are unnecessary or old-fashioned, don’t listen. They simply haven’t been educated about all the reasons why humans have relied on funerals since the beginning of time.
2. You have the freedom to hold an immediate private ceremony.
If you were not able to have a bedside ceremony, funeral, committal, or any form of service shortly after the death, you can choose to have a private ceremony right now. Ask a spiritual leader, officiant, family member, or friend to help you plan a simple online meeting using Zoom, Teams, or another tool. You can also hold a small candle-lighting ceremony at your dining-room table.
3. You have the freedom to plan one or more ceremonies to be held later.
Especially if you couldn’t have the ceremony you wanted at the time of the death, you can still hold one or more memorial ceremonies in the months to come, when gathering and travel restrictions are lifted. Remember that a delayed ceremony is a much healthier choice for your family than no ceremony.
4. Yes, you have the freedom to have more than one ceremony!
Ceremony helps grieving people heal. And multiple ceremonies are especially helpful in supporting families through complicated loss circumstances such as yours. For example, you might have an online ceremony now followed by a full ceremony and gathering later this year and then a smaller graveside or scattering ceremony on the anniversary of the death. You will find that each time you hold a ceremony, your grief softens and integrates into your ongoing life a bit more.
5. You have the freedom to plan a ceremony that will meet the unique needs of your family.
Keep in mind that any ceremonies you plan can and should be customized to honor the unique person who died as well as meet your unique family’s needs and wishes. There are no real rules about what you should or shouldn’t do, and your ceremony can be spiritual, religious, or secular—whatever you wish.
6. You have the freedom to feel all of your feelings about the circumstances of the death as well as any ceremony difficulties you may be having.
Because of the challenging and limiting circumstances in which your loved one died, you may be experiencing heightened anger, anxiety, guilt, regret, helplessness, despair, and other difficult feelings in addition to your normal grief. Remember that your feelings are naturally complicated because the situation is complicated. Talking out your feelings regularly with a trusted listener will help.
7. You have the freedom to make use of memories.
You may feel “stuck” in this pandemic moment, unable to carry out all the actions you would like to in honor of the person who died, but you still have the freedom to lean upon your memories. During this dormant time, gathering photos, video clips, memorabilia, and life stories will help you acknowledge the reality of the death and honor the life that was lived. Sharing memories with others will help everyone as well. Then, when it comes time to have a memorial service in the coming months, photos and memories will already be prepared.
8. You have the freedom to reach out and connect.
The isolation you may be experiencing as a result of the pandemic is not conducive to healing. You need and deserve the support of others during this challenging time. Others mourning the death need support as well. So, even if you can’t gather in person with others right now, you can still reach out for and accept support. Talk openly and honestly with the people in your home and be as empathetic as you can. To communicate with others outside your home, video calls are probably the best substitute for face-to-face conversations. Voice calls come second. After that, emails, texting, and social media work too. And don’t forget the power of the handwritten letter! The point is to stay connected as much as possible AND to be open and honest in those communications about whatever it is you are feeling or struggling with at the moment.
9. You have the freedom to ask others to be involved in any ceremonies you plan.
Funeral and memorial ceremonies can have lots of moving parts and may require a good deal of planning. Many hands make light work. You can ask several people to help with the planning and carrying out of tasks. In fact, ceremonies in which many people take part are often the most meaningful to everyone involved. You do not need to do this alone.
10. You have the freedom to move toward your grief and heal.
When it comes to grieving the death of this precious person, you may feel somewhat in limbo during the pandemic. An immediate ceremony will help you feel a degree of progress. In addition, you can move toward your grief by acknowledging and expressing your feelings (see number 6, above), doing memory work (number 7), and reaching out to others (number 8). Giving attention to your natural and necessary grief in all these ways is essential.
Thank you for entrusting me to teach you about the ten freedoms for using ceremony during the pandemic. Despite the restrictions, I hope you will find ways to use ceremony to befriend your grief and begin to heal. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Godspeed.
About the author
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books on coping with grief, including Grief One Day at a Time and First Aid for Broken Hearts. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about grief and loss.
Condolences in the Time of COVID-19: Guidance for Conveying Your Love and Support
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
For these and other reasons, it’s a terrible time for loss. It’s a terrible time to be grieving.
If you would like to support a grieving person during this time, you might feel unsure about what to say or do. After all, many of the time-honored methods of demonstrating your care and concern—such as attending the funeral, or stopping by the family’s home to offer an embrace and your presence—aren’t options. Yet you can still be a light in this dark time. The five principles that follow will guide you.
1. Get in touch, and stay in touch.
To convey your love and support, video calls are the best substitute for face-to-face conversations. Voice calls come second. After that, emails, texting, and social media work too. And don’t forget the power of the handwritten note! Depending on how close you are to the family, I recommend reaching out to the grieving person at least once a week in the coming months—and even more often than that in the beginning.
2. Be an exemplary listener.
On video calls or the phone, try to listen most of the time. When you do talk, validate what the grieving person has said to you. In their isolation, they still need their experience witnessed and affirmed. They still need to feel heard and understood. By actively and attentively listening, you will be giving them this gift.
3. Say what’s on your heart.
Especially in challenging death circumstances, it can be difficult to know what to say to the grieving family. It’s always OK to say, “I’m so sorry,” “You’ve had to endure so much,” and “My heart is breaking for you.” Keep in mind that the word “condolence” comes from the Latin condolens, meaning “to suffer with another.”
Be genuine, but please refrain from advice-giving, judging, and sharing your own loss stories and religious viewpoints unless you are asked. What I’ve learned from my work as a grief counselor and educator for more than forty years is that what you say is often less important than how you say it. As long as you are genuine and focused on the grieving person’s experience and worldview, your empathy will come across.
4. Listen to and share memories.
In the early days after a death, grieving people are usually consumed by shock, attending to tasks related to the death, and integrating the reality of the circumstances of the death. But after some time has passed, they are often ready to start thinking about the life of the person who died. You can be someone who listens to the stories they want to tell and, if you have your own memories of the person who died, shares them with the grieving person. Remember that the love lives on, and the memories live on. You can support the grieving person by honoring this.
5. Consider the love languages.
In his landmark 1995 book The Five Love Languages, author Dr. Gary Chapman introduced us to the idea that human beings feel cared for by others in five primary ways:
- receiving gifts
- spending quality time together
- hearing words of affirmation
- being the beneficiary of acts of service
- experiencing physical touch
With the exception of physical touch, whose lack is indeed a great hardship right now, all of these remain ways you can support your grieving friend or family member in the weeks to come. For example, you can send a gift of flowers, food, or self-care items, such as books or a candle. You can still spend quality time together, online or on the phone. By mailing cards and sending texts, you can share words of affirmation. And you may be able carry out or arrange acts of service, such as dropping off a home-cooked meal, mowing the lawn, or running errands.
I hope you will use some of the ideas in this article to reach out to your grieving friend or family member—as well as healthcare workers, emergency services personnel, funeral home employees, and others you may know who are confronting overwhelming illness and death during the pandemic. Most of all, I hope you will keep in mind that it matters less what you specifically say or do and more that you simply make efforts to get and stay in touch. If you genuinely care and you find active ways to express your empathy, the grieving person will feel your support, even from a distance. Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience. Lead with your heart and be gentle, loving and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.
About the author
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books on coping with grief, including Grief One Day at a Time and First Aid for Broken Hearts. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about grief and loss.